Humor: Ugliest Aircraft Face-Off

[GregP]

Battle of the Ugly Aircraft ... There are some very ugly WWII aircraft out there. Suppose we had a battle and only the ugly airplanes showed up to fight? Which ugly duckling would win? Candidates for the ugliest aircraft of WWII are many and varied, and come from countries often noted for beautiful and graceful designs. Alas, sometimes the dragon wins. In the case of these aircraft, the designers were on drugs, beaten senseless, or were naturally stupid. They have no lock on THAT condition, but they DID provide me with fodder for this post. Idiots!

My theory is that society castoffs were turned into slave aircraft design bureaus and forced to produce truly ugly aircraft. After all, SOMEONE had to waste the resources, why not them? Unfortunately, they sicceeded.

Candidates, in alphabetic order by manufacturer, include: (must be combat aircraft, so the Airspeed and GAF Fleet Shadowers are excluded)

1. Arsenal-Delanne 10 C2: Resembles the north end of a southbound baboon. About as effective.
2. Bell Airacuda: This plane would make a pile of vomit look appetizing.
3. Belyayev DB-LK: Designer was drunk and no one caught it before massive work was completed. In fact, enough to actually fly.
4. Blackburn Roc or Skua: These aircraft are just WRONG.
5. Blohm und Voss BV.138: They shot the opponent while he was laughing at the 138.
6. Blohm und Voss BV.141: The designer was also the inventor of LSD and drug abuse. His creation was a fantasy from a nightmare.
7. Breda B.88 Lince: Not disfunctional, just ugly.
8. Curtiss P-62: Not particularly ugly, but definitely dumpy. Potentially harmless, but your can’t be sure.
9. Dewoitine D-750: The hunchback of Notre Lame.
10. Ermolaev ER-2: Take a Tu-2 and beat it with a hammer.
11. Fairey Barracuda: The main defense from attack was counting on the defenders to laugh uncontrollably at the incoming aircraft. This tactic actually sometimes worked. Think of the Tirpitz.
12. Grumman Wildcat: Hey, I’m an American and still think this thing is ugly. It’s kind of like looking at the a fat, ugly blind date. You want to hide, but you have a job to do. Grin and get it done.
13. Handley-Page Hampden: Britain’s attempt to make an aircraft so skinny that it couldn’t be seen or hit. It didn’t work. Many were hit by Germans laughing almost uncontrollably while firing from the side.
14. Heston JC.6: Obviously a plane made from a napkin scribble stolen from a grade school cafeteria.
15. Ilyushin Il-20: Not WWII, but absolutely deserving of the “ugly� monicker. A proboscis monkey probably looks better … from either end.
16. Loire et Olivier LeO-45: Indescribable. A candidate for the ugliest aircraft ever produced, but falls a bit short of the title through no fault of the designer. He tried.
17. LWS Zubr: A service life of one mission and face that would stop a clock. If you check any competent dictionary, this IS the definition of ugly. Definitely a contender.
18. Martin-Baker MB-2: What were they thinking?
19. Nieuport 140: The French equivalent of a mental fart.
20. Potez 75: OK, this is from 1955. But, it is a rebirth of the Heston JC-6. The main question is, “Why?� Uglier than waking up on the bottom of a birdcage.
21. SAAB J-21A-2: And I thought the Blackburn Roc was wrong? Take a look at THIS unit. As ugly as Swedish girls are pretty.
22. Short Sterling: Looks like it flew into a wall.
23. SNCAC 1070: Although if is a 1947 design, it s close to the worst-looking aircraft ever actually produced. Kind of like the Limburger cheese of airplanes.
24. Vickers Wellesley: Probably a winner. Ugly beyond belief. The crews threw up before flight. Spouses divorced their husbands if one happened to be unlucky enough to be assigned to fly one.

Feel free to disagree. I have no particular pride in these selections.

Come back with YOUR list of the ugliest aviation constructs of WWII (sorry about the post-WWII inclusions, but ugly is where you find it).

[simon]

We kind of covered this one before, I seem to remember that a Farman got the title, although the Zubr should definitely be a close runner up!

http://www.tgplanes.com/Public/snitz/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=123&SearchTerms=ugliest

[GregP]

Hi Simon,

I recall. Just trying to stir up some interest .... oh well ...

[Ricky]

Mind you, I'd like to see pics of these monstrosities. Maybe when I get a few minutes...[8D]

[Double T]

Greg:
The Grumman F4F-4 WILDCAT?!
That's the only one on your list I take exception to.
A little-homely is quite different from flat-out ugly. No Wildcat should be in the same class as the "Barracuda."
I says "replace the Wildcat with the Brewster Buffalo and I'll sign-off on this disgusting line-up of butt-ugly aircraft..."
Har-de-har.
What about the Fw189? They should have all been night-fighters and painted black. Nothing that ugly should be viewed during daylight hours...

Tim

[simon]

quote:Originally posted by GregP

Hi Simon,

I recall. Just trying to stir up some interest .... oh well ...


No problem, I'm sure there will be interest this time too.

[GregP]

OK. The Wildcat can be removed and termed simply "homely." Sort of like a blind date whose face would make a maggot gag.

The Buffalo is not nearly as homely as the Wildcat, but I defer to your sense of asthetics. Mine is obviously warped.

[Romantic Technofreak]

"Designed by the Führer himself..."

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v475/Coridano/8b0037e8.jpg

You know, Greg, taste is a personal thing. As you try to cause emotions by thematizing ugliness in the last time (remember the girl:D), I think you should get appropriate answers. Here are mine:

1. Arsenal-Delanne 10 C2

Here you say it´s ugly, but otherwise you are enough fascinated about it to place it in your "obscure types" list and already made me construct a "GOT" topic about it. I only can say I like the view of a two-seater fighter that is supposed to run 550 kph with one pair of wings is even strutted.


2. Bell Airacuda

For me, an airplane doesn´t need to be beautiful. It is enough if it has character, and the Airacuda has. There are much worse-looking airplanes, and the comment about your, also here, done "GOT" classification is the same like above.


3. Belyayev DB-LK

Exactly the same like about the Airacuda, only difference is that the corresponding "GOT" topic isn´t yet done. Designers of the 30´s were able to do experiments! It doesn´t matter if the result is (a bit) ugly, if it only fascinates, and also the DB-LK does.


4. Blackburn Roc or Skua

You may be right about the Roc, but not about the Skua. I shall defend this bird with my last drop of blood. Our commonly beloved Aichi B7A shows what potential hid in an airplane like the Skua, if only developed further consequently (hope there are not stones flying towards me now...[:I])


5. Blohm & Voss BV 138

Called "Flying Clog". No further comment. Although, there is a breathtaking take-off picture about it...


6. Blohm & Voss BV 141

In Nazi Germany, abstract modern art was forbidden and called "degenerate":(. Possibly Dr. Richard Vogt wanted to circumvent that prohibition by creating the BV 141...


7. Breda Ba 88

You are completely wrong. Not ugly, but disfunctional.


8. Curtiss P-62

OK, not a big loss that it disappeared silently. Besides engine troubles and growing obsolescence of a piston fighter project, it could have been a good airplane though.


9. Dewoitine D-750

Your expressional severity is more remarkable than the obvious disfunctionality of this airplane. Same "GOT" classification comment as No. 3.


10. Ermolayev ER-2

A hammer is a useful tool. You have nothing to criticize but the bended wing.


11. Fairey Barracuda

Nobody likes it. I do. When I was a little boy, I had three teddybears, and I loved the most ugly one most. Nobody understood, but also nobody had to.


12. Grumman Wildcat

You already corrected yourself to "homely". That´s appropriate, I say.


13. Handley-Page Hampden

OK, it looks like a tadpole! So what? Amphibiae are fascinating animals...


14. Heston JC-6

I don´t know what´s wrong with that. For me it´s well-formed, if not a bit beautiful...?


15. Ilyushin Il-20

You´re right. Optically a total catastrophy. But showed good performances though..


16. Liore et Olivier LeO-45

I don´t know if we are talking about the same thing. The Leo-45 really doesn´t deserve to appear here. It is well streamlined, was very powerful and probably one of the best medium bombers of WWII, used by the Germans, by de Gaulle´s air force and after the war. If there is no type confusion, you should have your eyes or your ability of optical understanding examined.


17. LWS-4 Zubr

I also agree with you here. The Zubr embodies the lowest point in WWII aircraft development, both optical and in measures of performances. But its Italian comrade Savoia-Marchetti SM-85 isn´t far from that, as we know;)...


18. Martin-Baker MB-2

They thought about bringing the Napier engine into action and quickly have an auxiliary defender against the unbeatable looking Luftwaffe. Beauty as development goal was absolutely secondary.


19. Nieuport 140

You shouldn´t be too strict about mid-thirties developments. Anyway, this aircraft looks nothing less than well-formed to me.


20. Potez 75

I never understood what the intended function of this aircraft was all about. But to me, not particularly ugly though.


21. SAAB J-21A-2

Do you have an objection against twin-boom airplanes? This ones is BEAUTIFUL, anyway if piston- or jet-driven!


22. Short Stirling

The Stirling had short wings to avoid touching hangar doors rsp. walls. To conclude from this it did that on its bow is an exaggeration! Optically, I prefer the Stirling over the Liberator.


23. SNCAC 1070

OK, plump fuselage, twin booms, what you obviously don´t like... but in my eyes, not particularly ugly. A very interesting plane, as it´s jet-driven version 1071 is!


24. Vickers Wellesley

Fine. A cheap victim, an easy shot. But in action, the Wellesley did an important job. I say, if an airplane does that, and is ugly, it is a source of pride!



I could make a counter-list, with particularly ugly WWII planes (there happen to be not many...)! And nothing for bad!

Your friend RT

[Romantic Technofreak]

OK, here my list (without further explanation, although many are of exceptional performance):

1. Caproni Ca. 133

2. Chance-Vought Corsair

3. Dornier Do 335 Two-Seater (the "Ant-Eater")

4. Douglas B-18

5. Focke-Wulf FW 189

6. Fokker T.IVA

7. Grumman F3F

8. Grumman JF/J2F Duck

9. IMAM Ro 43/44

10. Junkers Ju 252/352

11. Junkers Ju 287

12. Latecoere 521

13. Letov S. 328

14. Liore-et-Olivier H.25

15. Loire 70

16. Martin B-10

17. Mitsubishi K3M

18. North American O-47

19. Nyeman R-10

20. PZL P.11

21. PZL P.24

22. Piaggio P.108

23. Rogozarski R.313

24. Ryan YO-51 Dragonfly

25. SNCAC NC 530

26. Saab 18

27. Savoia-Marchetti SM 79

28. Short Shetland (I once teased our friend PMN1 with that, hope he forgives me!)

29. Tupolev TB-1/TB-3

30. Westland Wapiti

and, last but not least, the "maledicted pack" of the early-style French bombers. Any comments?

[GregP]

Hi RT,

You caught me. I was just trying to stir the pot. In reality, I like almost all aircraft, including most of these. Thought I'd stir things up and see what floated to the top. Not much action lately.

Couldn't even get a rise out of anyone when I called the Barracuda ugly. That was a surprise. Oh well. Personally, I'd fly it, if only to get behind a Merlin.

So, I suppose I can't engage in aircraft put-downs now that everyone knows I like all airplanes.

You, of course, are right about most of what you said above. The MB-2 was homely, but showed much potential. They realized a lot of it in the MB-3.

Hey! I put the word "Humor" in the title. Crimeny, can't I have some fun? :)

[Corsarius]

Holds up a placard saying "Farman F.120T"
Holds up another placard saying "used as an escort fighter"

http://www.popularaviation.com/PhotoGallery/1152.jpg

[GregP]

Corsarius, that thing was butt-ugly the FIRST time I saw it. It is even worse the second time ...

I implore you, don't repost it too often ....

[Romantic Technofreak]

The Farman "Jabiru", posted by Corsarius, is surely a candidate for the ugliest plane ever built. But it was a passenger plane of the late 20s. If you exceed the time limit of "WWII +-", what we normally use to keep, you could include lots of ugly planes from old and modern times.

[Lightning]

Hi R.T.

I know, I know, this is a WWII forum, but I just HAVE to mention this horrible monstrosity. I can say without fear of serious contradiction that the UGLIEST airplane that ever flew (in fact it should have been grounded by the EPA for being air pollution) was the experimental "TACIT BLUE".

Regards,
Lightning

[GregP]

You think the Tacit Blue was uglier than the Farman F.120T above?

Hey, the Farman had those three whirlygig things on the front and had no visible means of forward visibility. That should count for a few points.

The Tacit Blue's only really ugly feature was the airframe.

Hhmmmmm ... come to think of it, you might be right ... [:I]

[Romantic Technofreak]

Anyway, friends, what time limit we set us or what personal preferencies one of us uses to have, for matters of public good taste I would recommend not to further develop that thing:

http://www.aerofiles.com/norgrum-tacit.jpg

http://www.aerofiles.com/norgrum-tacit2.jpg

Yours, and try to get over this like I do *taking a deep breath*,
RT

[GregP]

Thanks RT ... I am over it now and can move on to other emotional excesses in yet another humor post at sometime in the future. For now, this one had told me that humor might not be a good thing in the forum ...[:I]

What I think is funny seems to get taken seriously by others, even when humor is in the title. OK, I'll stick to WWII aviation in a serious manner ... mostly ... unless you profess love for the Farman.


If you do that, I'll accuse you of poor taste at a minimum. :)

[Lightning]

Hi Double T,

I agree with you concerning the Wildcat. I have always thought it to be a nice-looking little fighter. I wouldn't call it "sleek", but it is well-proportioned i.e. length-span-height, and its lines don't have any startling discontinuities. The fuselage blends nicely into the tail surfaces, and the engine cowling is neither too fat nor too long.

I know this is heresy, but I rather prefer its lines to those of the Hellcat. I always thought that the Hellcat's fuselage was disproportionately high at the cockpit's location. Please note that I'm not saying that the wildcat was a better fighter; we all know that the F6F was far superior. It's just a matter of "looks" and personal taste.

I was also surprised that the Corsair was mentioned as being ugly. I think it is a beautiful airplane. The only part of it that looks a little bit like it was put on as an after-thought is the vertical tail, and yet, the F4U just wouldn't look right with any other configuration of the empennage.

And now I'm going to make a statement that most here would not expect of me. I think that a very unattractive (ugly?) WWII airplane was the F-5G Lightning. It was, in my oppinion, the best photo-recon plane of the war, but that big bulged nose was one that only Kelly Johnson could love. I try to look at the F-5G in the same way that I do Jimmy Durante: They both had a big nose, but they were both great at what they did.

Regards,
Lightning

[DoBravery]

If I was to mark ugly with a giant paint roller, I wouldn't focus on the US Navy/Marines - Buffalo, Wilcat, Hellcat - (You can call my mama ugly before the Corsair[}:)])

Instead I'll say any Italian plane with a radial engine.

Can't decide between the Macchi MC 200 or Fiat G.50.

[WarBirdMan]

An ugly fighter?I don't know?It's either the Iakovlev UT-2 or the Polikarpov I-16!:)

'There's three type of pilots:good,bad and dead!':D(should this be mi motto from now on)

[Trexx]

THE GERMANS DID IT (Shame-shame)


Junkers Ju-86 (looks like a malnourished dog with rickettes)
Heinkle He-115 (resembles a bamboo hut built by a European)
Messerschmitt 'Gigant' (who would model a plane after a high-top boot?)

[Corsarius]

I understand that the Wildcat was once described as "A beer barrel sitting on a roller skate and run through with an ironing board"

That sums it up fairly well, really.

[i16stealth]

quote:Originally posted by WarBirdMan

An ugly fighter?I don't know?It's either the Iakovlev UT-2 or the Polikarpov I-16!:)


Hey! They are not worse than F4F or F2A!

I think that short-fuselage fighters (such as Macchi or Wildcat) have their own charm.

[Ricky]

The Tacit Blue must be the only aeroplane where the ground crew are issued with barf bags...

[Lightning]

Hi Ricky,

We're in total agreement on this one.

Rgards,
Lightning

[simon]

That is wierd looking, it looks like a vacuum formed model kit where they forgot to trim off the edges...